“Humanistic” model of family education (part 2)
The key concepts of this system of education are cooperation, participation; creative flexible approach to different children; emotional honesty; an atmosphere of love, encouragement, and encouragement. To achieve positive behavior of children, psychologists advise parents:
use joint family discussions of family problems and achievements;
to ask about his problems (instead of explanations and statements), it contributes to the development of thinking skills and criticism. Ask questions to children only if there is a genuine interest in the child’s opinion and feelings. You can’t ask questions as “traps” if the parent knows the answer in advance;
when criticizing a child, it is better to use Self-statements :” I noticed that you did not brush your teeth. Let’s do it now»;
give children a choice between at least two acceptable options. As children grow older the number of alternatives should increase;
not to force or punish, but to educate, allowing children to experience the natural or logical consequences of their actions. The natural consequences are simple: if the child is standing in the rain, he gets wet; the logical consequences require the intervention of parents: if the child does not put dirty clothes in the Laundry basket, the parent does not say anything, but does not wash these clothes;
use non-punitive methods of behavior correction (time-out, establishing the “additional opportunity – additional responsibility” connection, including a sense of humor, replacing excessive verbosity with a correct action).
The authors pay special attention to the fact that negative behavior of children is the result of erroneous goals, and typical difficulties in forming responsible behavior are effective completion of cases (the child rebuilds the behavior, begins to fulfill agreements, but for a long time it is not enough) and an adequate attitude to the mistakes made, experiences about this.
In the United States and other countries, T. Gordon’s model of family education, called “parent effectiveness Training” (TER), is popular. On its basis have developed our own versions of psycho, for example, the American psychologists George. Bayard and R. Bayard, Russian-Yu. b. Gippenreiter, V. Rakhmatshayeva, which we will also use when describing this model.
The basis of T. Gordon’s views on family education is the phenomenological theory of the personality of K. Rogers, who believed in the original ability of man to good and perfection. K. Rogers argued that a person has a need for a positive attitude, which is satisfied when the child experiences approval and love from others, and the need for self-respect, which develops as the first need is met. The condition for a child’s healthy development is that there is no contradiction between the ideal Self (the idea of being loved) and the real Self (the actual level of love).
Rogers considered the most important concepts of the model of family education to be the manifestation of sincere, true feelings (both positive and negative) by all family members; unconditional acceptance of their feelings and those of their loved ones; devotion to their inner self.
The main ideas of K. Rogers ‘ upbringing.
Parental love has different levels – it is love-concern for the child’s physical well-being and love-concern for his inner Self, for his ability to make individual decisions.
Parents should strive to influence their children’s values and beliefs, leaving them free to choose specific actions.
The style of communication in the family should be based on openness, freedom, and mutual respect.
It is necessary to teach the child to cope with problems on their own, gradually transferring the responsibility for finding and making a decision to them.
Parents must learn to accept help from children.
According to K. Rogers, for positive interaction with children, parents need three main skills: to hear what the child wants to say to parents; to Express their own thoughts and feelings accessible to the child’s understanding; to safely resolve disputed issues, so that both conflicting parties are satisfied with the results.
Methods and techniques of education developed by T. Gordon.
Any problem is solved by the parents together with the children, this avoids coercion and gives the child a desire to continue to participate in the Affairs of the family. The solution of the problem is multi-step: the problem itself is identified and determined; options for its resolution are considered; each option is weighed; the most suitable one is selected, ways of solving the problem are found; the possibility of success is evaluated.
The most important question for determining the line of parental behavior is whose problem ? It is necessary to analyze for whom the solution of this problem is of direct importance – for the parent or for the child. If the problem is a child, then he has the right to make a decision and experience all its consequences, immediate and remote.
The method of modeling is to provide the child with a role model for loving and caring for his inner Self. (Note: if the name is similar to the method of social-cognitive learning, in this case we are talking about the fact that the content of the transfer should not be a specific behavior, but interest, care, attention to his own inner world, which the parent exercises in relation to himself.)
Encouragement, support for the child’s ability to make independent decisions. Refusal to demand that children strictly follow their instructions.
It is recommended to think and talk about your children in terms of specific features and facts of their behavior, and not in terms of” permanent ” personality traits, which are usually evaluated. For example: “Jimmy didn’t say Hello to my friend” instead of “Jimmy is shy and impolite”; “Katie left her things in the living room” instead of “Katie is sloppy and inattentive to others”.
Respond to inappropriate behavior from a parent’s point of view by using Self-messages, statements containing only the expression of the parent’s own feelings, but not accusations, notations, orders, warnings, etc.for Example: “I’m too tired to play with you” instead of “You’re just an obnoxious child”; “So I can read a book, I need silence” instead of “Stop yelling or go to your room”.
Fundamentally important warnings relate to the inevitability of the consequences of the use of force by parents in the form of various protective reactions of children (open defiance, vindictiveness, aggression, withdrawal, anger, submission, sycophancy, lies, lack of communication, avoidance, etc.). The strategy of connivance also leads to negative results. Choosing a strategically correct way to transfer responsibility to the child, parents are warned about the specific difficulties of this path, especially its initial stage: the desire for freedom is accompanied by fear of it, and often children go to provoke negative attention from their parents