And yet – the family broke up. What happens then, when it is possible to create a second family?
When a family breaks up, former spouses are often in conflict. If one of them remarries, the relationship often escalates. If both former spouses remarry, the relationship between them either ends or becomes neutral. Still, in nine cases out of ten, mothers try to keep their children away from their ex – husbands ‘ fathers and do their best to tie their children to their stepfathers.
Another pattern: out of three remarriages, two families break up.
These facts suggest that remarriage has its own characteristics, often of a problematic nature. So, people who have a negative experience of life in a previous family that broke up enter into remarriage. Therefore, complexes formed in the previous marriage, unresolved issues, and painful problems are transferred to the new family. The psychological trauma of divorce experienced by women and men also negatively “colors” the new families they create.
Quite often, remarriage is performed because of the desire to “annoy the former spouse”, which means that in the beginning it is erroneous. In addition, remarriage can be arranged because of the desire to make amends with children, to assert themselves, and because of the fear of being alone.
If a psychological problem has not been solved with the previous partner, then its solution is transferred to the new partner, regardless of whether he is ready for it or not.
The partner for the second marriage is often chosen as opposed to the first. When choosing a second spouse, people give these arguments: “My first husband was beautiful, always had mistresses. I chose the second husband – the ugliest”, ” My first wife yelled at me all the time. I chose a second wife who was quiet and silent”, ” My first husband did not know how to earn money. The second husband is a wealthy man,” etc.
So, remarriage is somehow related to the negative experience of the first marriage. And, despite the fact that in most cases this relationship is from the opposite (“the opposite relationship”), quite often the problems that arose in the first marriage are transferred to the second.
How can we alleviate the negative psychological consequences of the first family’s collapse when remarrying?
I would like to repeat once again that people think about divorce when relations in the first family do not go well. Still, you should always take into account that divorce and the desire to create a new family is not a panacea for family problems. Most often, it is just the opposite: the problems that arose in the first family are manifested with renewed vigor in the second. Moreover, re-marriage, there is still a lot of new problems.
Therefore, it is necessary to try to solve problems in the first family Union and fight for your first family to the end, making every effort to do so.
But if the first family has broken up, there is no need to rush to join a new one. It is known that problems should not be solved so much as lived. It takes time to understand what happened and “remove” the negative emotional consequences of divorce. In many cases – it is more than one year (on average, it takes two to six years). It is desirable to enter a new family “clean”, positive and with faith in the success of new relationships.
Excessive haste when entering into a remarriage is also harmful because you need to check yourself and your partner. Remarriage must be carefully thought out and planned. It is necessary to discuss what requirements and expectations a woman and a man have from the second family? What did they want to get in their first family and couldn’t do it, experienced disappointment, and what do they want to get in the second? What can they give their loved one? How do they imagine everyday family life with all its worries and everyday problems?
And, of course, it is necessary to specifically discuss the problems of raising children. Typical difficulties of a second marriage related to raising children are as follows.
Almost always, the man is in the most difficult position. So, he becomes a stepfather to the children of the second wife and takes care of the children of her and her first husband. At the same time, quite often the native father also seeks to actively communicate with his children. In children, thus, there are as it were “two dads”, of course, with all the consequences that follow from this. In addition, the man himself, who left his own children in the first marriage, is also in a certain sense “on the break”: he seeks to communicate with them, often in spite of the desire of his first wife to limit this communication in every possible way. Being in such a painful situation, it is not surprising, therefore, that most fathers in Russia, when the first family breaks up, practically do not visit their native children, being in relation to the adopted children, too, at some distance.
In a remarriage, a woman does not change children, so to speak, but can also worry and be nervous about the fact that the husband periodically goes to his children from the first marriage, spends money on them, arranges their Affairs, and so on. Quite often, she begins to put ultimatums: “Either me and my children or leave the house!”. And how many in the psychological literature or the media do not talk about the harm to children of such relationships, alas, in real life, this is often the case.