Motivation for marriage
Interesting attempts to consider the “mechanisms” of the origin of love experiences. Thus, the most famous approach of Otto Weininger, who believed that the differentiation of the sexes, their separation is never completely complete. All the features of the male sex can be found, even in the weakest development, and in the female sex. You can use the concepts of the ideal man “M” and the ideal woman ” W ” only as typical sexual forms. “The law of sexual attraction”, formulated by FR. According to Weininger, ” to connect the sexes, a perfect man “M” and a perfect woman “W” are needed, although they are separated in two different individuals in completely different combinations.” The author of this theory believed that the existence of the institution of marriage is due to the fact that the presence of a huge number of intermediate stages allows you to find two individuals who are most suitable for each other (Weininger O., 1990, p. 12).
S. V. Kovalev believes that the motivation for marriage includes at least five types: love, spiritual intimacy, material calculation, psychological compliance, and moral considerations. The study of the influence of marital motivation on marriage satisfaction confirms the importance of the first two motives. Among those who entered into a marital Union for love and community of views, the maximum number of satisfied and the minimum-unsatisfied. The unity of these two motives is important. Disillusionment with family and marriage was more likely in those who focused solely on their feelings without the necessary spiritual community of the spouses for their preservation.
According to some researchers, in a large number of cases, love is a factor that prevents the preservation of the family Union.
First, writes S. V. Kovalev, in anticipation of the love we seek not a wife, a loved one, forgetting that we will have to live with not one this beautiful, but its subject and bearer – quite a specific person with unique mental world, the image of his “I” temperament, character and personal peculiarities, and why the merger of the two “I” always leads to one “We.”
Secondly, under the romantic cover of love, we very often forget that, no matter how much the spouses love each other, in their family they will simply have to perform the usual functions for each married couple.
The West German psychologist X. Schelsky argues that when the expectation of love becomes the primary motive of marriage, the main meaning of family life with its daily cares, care for small children is reduced to the destruction of these illusions, the destruction of magic, which often leads to the search for a new love partner.
This is one of the variants of the pessimistic view of the relationship between love and marriage, which contains a mixture of the concepts of love, love, illusion and consumerism as an expectation of extraordinary feelings from another.
Another view of the relationship between love and marriage is held by famous psychotherapists E. G. Eidemiller and V. V. Justitsky, describing it when describing the mechanism of “emotional identification with the family”. The authors consider the emotional relationship of sympathy as a cementing force in family relationships. They note that the relationship of sympathy to a certain extent neutralize the state of frustration that arise in interpersonal relationships, including in the family. It is easier to adapt to frustrating features of the spouse’s character (Eidemiller E. G., Justitsky V. V., 1990).
A. V. Petrovsky pointed out that the degree of emotional intimacy is a special quality of a real family, and it is difficult to imagine another group where such a quality would be so developed. Describing this aspect of family relationships on the example of parental love, speaking about the various and numerous offenses of the child, Petrovsky notes: “At the same time, any offense does not cause a dispassionate attitude of parents. On the contrary, it generates anger, and often in a very violent and violent form. And this can go on for weeks, months. But here’s what’s interesting. Cumulation often did not occur. It seems that the flows of indignation coming through the holes of the ship of trust, pump out the powerful pumps of parental love” (Petrovsky A.V., 1983, p. 196-197).
Eidemiller and Ustecky think that is largely similar to the psychological fact is the action of sympathy in the marital relationship. And in this regard, there is an effect of “dissolving frustration”. Sympathy relationships cause an increase in interest in the object of sympathy (for example, a person who is loved). It should be emphasized that this is a benevolent interest associated with the desire to help, to be happy or upset together, which in turn causes greater mutual frankness and, consequently, an increase in empathy. Hence the importance of the relationship of sympathy in the prevention and mitigation of interpersonal conflicts in the family.
The work of N. G. Yurkevich speaks about the connection of love as a motive for marriage and satisfaction with marriage. In a sample of 612 women and 365 men, she obtained the following results: in happy marriage unions, women consisted of 75.10% who married for love, 13.88% for sympathy, 2.86% were motivated by the desire to get rid of loneliness, and 1.63% had a short-term infatuation. Among unsuccessful marriages, the distribution of responses is as follows – 27% of women got married for love, 17% for sympathy, 12.93% of women named the motive “desire to get rid of loneliness”, and 1.63% named short – term infatuation. The others had a different answer or no answer.
In men, the answers are approximately similar, although there are fewer people who marry for love among them in General: 62.80% in happy marriages and 17.74% in unsuccessful ones, and those who named the desire to get rid of loneliness and frivolity as motives for marriage (10.37% and 8.05% in happy marriages, respectively, and 16.13% and 25.80% in unsuccessful ones). Among men, a large percentage gave other answers not given by the author (among unsuccessful marriages-25.81%).
It can be noted that for men and women, love marriages are the happiest, and marriage based on momentary desire is the least (Yurkevich N. G., 1971).
In another study conducted 30 years later, the most successful marriage was a combination of love and spiritual unity. Based on the obtained significant correlations, it was found that the spouses who entered into a marriage Union for these two reasons were most satisfied with it (Andreeva T. V., Tolstova A.V., 2000).
Yurkevich conducted a survey in Minsk of 300 people, mostly with higher education, of whom 94% believed that in principle marriage should be concluded for love, it is a moral ideal; 70% confirmed that they themselves entered into a marriage for love. But only 47% called love the feeling they felt for their wife (husband) at the time when the survey was conducted.
Comparison of data on the opinions of women employees of Minsk enterprises about their attitude to their husband at the time of filling out the questionnaire with the success of the marriage showed the following. In happy marriages, 63.67% of women felt love for their husband, and sympathy and habit made up a smaller proportion of them (13.88% and 19.18%). There were no people who were indifferent or disliked her husband. In satisfactory marriage unions, habit was noted by 39.43%; love– 32.8%, and sympathy-13.01%. The answer was “indifference” – 4.47%. 10.16% did not give an answer.
In unsuccessful marriages, habit prevailed – 44.85% and indifference-33.04%. Every tenth woman treats her husband with hostility, with love-5.22%, sympathy-1.74%.
On the basis of the conducted research, the author makes the following conclusion: many people believe that they do without love in marriage, and therefore, the duty to ensure the psychological setting for the preservation of the family plays a very significant role (Yurkevich N. G., 1971). The quality of marriage, the well-being of the spouses and the upbringing of children in this case suffer, even if the spouses themselves-parents do not want to notice it. “Every real family arises out of love and gives a person happiness. Where a marriage is made without love, the family appears only on the surface; where marriage does not give a person happiness, it does not fulfill its main purpose. Parents can teach children to love only if they themselves knew how to love in marriage. Parents can only give children happiness in so far as they themselves have found happiness in marriage. A family that is internally United by love and happiness is a school of mental health, balanced character, and creative enterprise… a Family that is deprived of this healthy centripetal attitude, wasting its strength on convulsions of mutual disgust, hatred, suspicion, and “family scenes” is a real hotbed of sick characters, psychopathic gravitations, neurasthenic lethargy, and life’s “failures” (Ilyin I. A., 1993).
St. Gregory the Theologian, a Christian writer of the fourth century, wrote admirably about the meaning of marriage in which love is present in his profound “moral poem”: “See what the Union of love, the”wise marriage”, gives to people. Who but marriage connected the sea and the land by an important road, and United the separate from each other?
But there is an even higher and better one. By marriage we are hands, ears, and feet to each other; by it we get double strength, to the great joy of friends and the grief of enemies. Common concerns and reduce difficulties. Common joys become more pleasant. More joyous is wealth because of unanimity. And for the poor, unanimity is more joyous than wealth. Marriage is the key that opens the way to purity and love.” by: Troitsky S, 1995, p. 56).