Specifics of the premarital period
The results of many studies have shown that the combination of premarital factors that prompted young people to enter into a family Union significantly affects the success of adaptation of spouses in the first years of joint life, the strength of marriage or the likelihood of divorce. Such premarital factors are:
place and situation of meeting young people;
first impression of each other (positive, negative, ambivalent, indifferent);
socio-demographic characteristics of those who marry;
duration of the courtship period;
initiator of the marriage proposal: young man, girl, parents, others;
time to consider a marriage proposal;
the situation of registration of marriage;
age of the future couple;
parents and the attitude of the latter to the marriage of their children;
dynamic and characterological features of spouses;
relationship in the family with siblings.
It is established that it has a beneficial effect on marital relations:
Dating at work or at an educational institution;
mutual positive first impression;
courtship period from one to one and a half years;
initiative of a marriage proposal by a man;
acceptance of the offer after a short consideration (up to two weeks);
support of marriage registration with a wedding celebration.
Special compensatory measures are required for premarital relationships that have certain characteristics.
Random nature of Dating. Studies have shown that more than 60 % of well-off spouses met at work or on the student’s bench.
Negative, ambivalent and indifferent first impression.
A short (up to six months) or long (more than three years) courtship period. For a short time, as a rule, young people can not get to know each other deeply and check the correctness of their decision to marry, and during a long period of courtship, there is often monotony of communication, stereotyping in the behavior of partners, which can lead to cooling in the relationship – such a couple either does not create a family, or breaks up.
Manifestation of direct or indirect initiative of marriage on the part of a woman (forced or provoked). First of all, we are talking about pregnancy. Studies have shown that the probability of breaking up families with premarital pregnancies is about 2 times higher compared to other situations. This can be explained by the fact that, first, premarital pregnancy disrupts the process of adaptation of the bride and groom to marriage. From the normal course of development of the relationship between a man and a woman, the most important stage of family development almost falls out – the development of new marital roles for yourself. Young people immediately “jump” to the next stage of family life associated with the birth and upbringing of a child. Secondly, the appearance of a child sharply exacerbates economic problems, causing frequent conflicts, tension in marital relationships, and provokes the decision to divorce. European sociologists K. Antilla and Ya. Trost believe that the negative factor (from the point of view of divorce) is not just premarital pregnancy, but so-called forced and hasty marriages, the only reason for the conclusion of which is the early birth of a child.
Prolonged consideration of the marriage proposal (more than two weeks).
Age of the future couple. This applies to those young people who are in a hurry or have to get married immediately after school for various reasons.1 At the age of 18, a girl is usually able to become a mother, her body is fully formed, she has already finished school and decided on her future life. But at this age, and even earlier (modern Russian law allows marriage starting from 16 years), it is hardly worth rushing to get married. The most acceptable time for marriage, according to psychologists and sociologists, is 22-23 years. Women’s beauty reaches its peak, by this time completed studies, received a profession.
A man is also unlikely to get married at 16-18 years old. The male body Matures later than the female: up to 25 years old, bones, muscles will grow, character and temperament will be formed. In addition, marriage is the beginning of a regular sexual life, often an unbearable burden for the immature male body, and it wears out prematurely. Added to the material problems, the complexity of life – an 18-19-year-old husband can come a deep disappointment in family life. Early marriage is not for everyone, but socially determined people, Mature individuals should not delay its conclusion for a long time.
In recent years, there has been a tendency to “Mature” the marriage age. More and more young people are trying to get an education, a profession, have material wealth and housing conditions, and therefore consider the optimal age for marriage after 25-27 years. However, it has been empirically proven that the late age of marriage is also a premarital “risk” factor.
Compensating measures require both psychological (temperament) and socio-cultural (differences in value orientations, worldview, attitudes, religion, etc.) incompatibility of young people, as well as the negative attitude of parents and other reference people to this marriage, serious quarrels during courtship.
It is also worth noting such a factor as the relationship of young people with their brothers and sisters. There is a concept of duplicating the properties of brothers and sisters, according to which a person seeks to realize their relationship to brothers and sisters in new social relationships, which include marital Union. More stable and successful marriages are observed in cases where the relationship between partners is based on this principle, of course, taking into account gender. In this sense, a marital relationship can be complementary (complementary) if, for example, the husband had a younger sister and the wife had an older brother. Non-complementary relationships – if both spouses were in the parent family, either older or younger (in a married couple, there may be quarrels about the distribution of power – which of them should be the main, senior, and who is the youngest), as well as if one or both partners had only brothers or sisters. A special place is occupied by young people who had neither brother nor sister: they had only one model in their family – parental marriage.)
The determinants of problems in the future may also be the behavior patterns of young people taken from the parent family. There is a concept of duplicating parent properties. A person learns the male and female roles to a large extent from their parents and unconsciously uses the model of parents ‘ relationships in their family, sometimes regardless of whether they like it or not. That is why psychologists recommend that during the pre-marital period, more often be in the parent family of the chosen one, this will help to learn more about the future spouse.
Analyzing the specifics of the pre-marital period, it is necessary to note such a phenomenon as the idealization of the partner, which can also negatively affect interpersonal communication before marriage and in marital relations.
There are different points of view on the role of idealization of the partner in the pre-marital period.
Idealization unreasonably overestimates the expectations placed on the partner and on interaction with him. The realization that a real person with whom there is interaction, does not correspond to an idealized image, is playing a destructive role, leads to a deep dissatisfaction with the partner, yourself, relationships in General, and an inability or unwillingness to engage with more real image of the partner leads to relationship breakup.
According to A. Maslow, self-actualized individuals, i.e. those who have reached the highest level of development, the level of realization of their potencies, have the most pronounced ability to love and be loved. Their love is characterized by complete spontaneity and naturalness. Idealization is not peculiar to them at all (humanistic psychology).
Idealization of the partner is an incentive for the development of his personality, defines for him a certain “zone of immediate development”, i.e., as if indicating what he can become (a constructive point of view).
However, we tend to attribute the idealization of a partner to premarital risk factors, along with the early or late age of marriage, the romance of the relationship, the speed and shortness of communication, the absence of brothers and sisters, etc.
Analysis of the specifics of the premarital period allows us to formulate its functions:
The accumulation of joint experiences and feelings. At this stage, a kind of emotional potential of future family life is created, a stock of feelings that will allow you to adapt to it more successfully and less “painfully”; a deeper recognition of each other and in parallel clarification and verification of the decision made about the possibility of family life; Designing family life. This point, as a rule, is not considered by future spouses or is not realized by them. Most psychologists rightly point out that information exchange is necessary between partners on such issues as value orientations and life plans; details of biography; ideas about marriage; role expectations and claims; reproductive attitudes, etc.