Making a decision about marriage
The most significant for the pre-marital period is the motivation for marriage. Decision-making is often polimotivated, such motives can be identified: love, duty, spiritual closeness, material calculation, psychological compliance, and moral considerations.
Any of them may be leading, but young people often put love first.
Within the framework of psychological science, systematic analysis of love problems began in the 40s of the XX century. the First works about love were mostly theoretical, nowadays there are much more empirical studies.
In the philosophical encyclopedia, the concept of love is defined as a moral and aesthetic feeling, expressed in a selfless and self-forgetful desire for its object. The specific content of this feeling, from the point of view of philosophers, is selflessness, self-giving and the spiritual closeness that arises on this basis.
Psychologists consider love to be a selective attitude towards a representative of the opposite sex as a unique integral person. The focus on the object of love should not be one-sided, egoistic and involves identifying oneself with the object of love, replacing the ” I “with the” we ” (but without losing one’s identity).
In modern psychology, there are models of love, which are conditionally divided into “pessimistic” and “optimistic”.
Theorists of the pessimistic direction emphasize the moment of dependence of the lover on the object of his love and the connection of love with negative experiences, especially with the fear of love. Love, according to the authors of “pessimistic” models, makes a person anxious and dependent, hinders his personal development. One partner seems to “dissolve” in the other, losing their identity. In such a pair, there is no substitution of “I” for “we”. In extreme cases, love can be a symptom of a personal pathology.
“Optimistic” models of love are associated with the concept of A. Maslow and other representatives of humanistic psychology.
Love in these models is characterized by the removal of anxiety and complete psychological comfort. The cornerstone of the “opt mystical” models is the idea of the independence of the lover from the object of love, which is combined with a positive attitude to it. According to “optimistic” theorists, such love makes people happy and provides opportunities for personal growth.
How does love arise? L. M. Pankova identifies three stages of love.
The first is interest, sympathy, attraction. We say,”I like Him (her).” This is quite enough for the first approximation, for the appearance of friendship between a young man and a girl. These relationships can be long, unspoken, romantic or everyday, but they are always very pleasant, uplifting, although they do not oblige to anything yet. When there is a person who likes you and who likes you, the life tone increases, personal actions for self-improvement are activated.
The second – admiration, enthusiasm, love, passion. These feelings already create a certain tension and intensity, they always excite, but they tire, knock out the rhythm, and require their permission. It is difficult for a person to live in a state of passionate excitement. The passion must either die out or be satisfied. If the feelings of one are warmed up and encouraged by the other, the possibility of turning a friendly relationship of a sympathetic man and woman into a love affair becomes a reality. Further, everything depends on education, culture, volitional components, moral success, etc., that is, on the individual himself.
The third is worship, respect, and devotion. You can experience passion as an obsession, but you can’t love without respect for a person. At this stage, love leads a man and a woman to make a decision about marriage.
Love, which has passed all three phases of development, is an individual feeling for life.
L. ya. Gozman believes that the emergence of emotional relationships, including love, can be explained by interpersonal attraction (the attractiveness of one for the other). He uses the results of an empirical study of interpersonal attraction, which show that its strong determinants are the similarity of attitudes and the expression of the object of attraction of its positive attitude to the subject with a high self-esteem of each.
However, there are studies in psychology that have concluded that love marriages do not lead the list of the most stable. For example, S. V. Kovalev believes that family unions concluded through a Dating service are several times more stable than love marriages. Moreover, he comes to the conclusion that the expectation of love, and even its very existence in the family, leads to the death of marriage. The author explains this by the fact that, first, growing up, a person loses the inherent infallibility of children and animals emotional assessment of the world around them; secondly, it is wrong to identify such phenomena as love and marriage, because love can be without marriage and marriage without love. There is no complete coincidence or complete difference between marriage and love; they have existed separately for a long historical period.
The author believes that love can even prevent the preservation of the family Union, and gives the following arguments.
In the impatience of love, we are not looking for a spouse, but a loved one, forgetting that one love will not live, because we live with a person who has a unique psychological world, the image of his “I”, temperament, character and other personal characteristics, why the merger of two ” I “does not always lead to the appearance of one”we”.
Under the romantic cover of love, we often forget that spouses are required to perform the usual functions for each married couple, and that they will have questions about this already on their honeymoon. Financial support, child care, etc. lead to the death of illusions, the destruction of magic, which leads to the search for a love partner outside of marriage and adultery.
The fetishization of love, the desire to be both loved and loved, make us impatiently search for this beautiful feeling.
We can partially agree with this point of view. As practice shows, very often passionate premarital love is not a guarantee of successful family life in the future. Strong emotions can interfere with the orientation of partners on personal characteristics or will be of a secondary nature, they reduce the accuracy of the relationship and mutual understanding, and contribute to the idealization of the partner.
The study of motives of marriage in dysfunctional families conducted domestic family therapists E. G. Eidemiller and V. Justickis. They were able to identify the following motives: flight from parents, debt (marriage out of a sense of duty), loneliness, following traditions (parents ‘ initiative), love, prestige, and the search for material goods.
The motive of “running away from parents” often means a passive protest against the power of parents, an inability to perceive life in all its real fullness.
The conclusion of a marriage based on the “must” motive very often means that the partner became pregnant or sexual intimacy was accompanied by feelings of guilt.
The “loneliness” motif is found in people who have moved to a new place of residence. They married people they knew earlier or were recommended by their colleagues (“You live alone, but your mistress has a daughter in Kazan. She’s so nice and lonely, look…”). In other cases, loneliness was the result of experiencing an existential emptiness.
The “revenge” motif means that one of the partners was rejected and married another person out of revenge for the rejected one.
The “love” motif also appears in the scale of psychological reasons for the formation of dysfunctional families. Still, love is a beautiful feeling. In our opinion, it is love that forms a pre-marital couple, and in the future a marriage Union, although a compromise is inevitable when choosing a partner, since the probability of meeting a person who fully corresponds to the” standard ” is small.